As my children got older, busier, and generally more intelligent, their online presence diminished. During this period I became less busy, particularly when I was spending a lot of time at home during cancer treatment. That is when the obsession "metastasized". (Keep knocking on wood that FB fever is the only thing that metastasized. More on that topic in future posts coming soon, but no worries, I am doing well.)
I started reading all of the other stuff on Facebook. I poked around strange websites that spewed liberal rhetoric and suddenly I became their "friend" and started receiving hourly posts from all kinds of odd organizations that exist nowhere but on Facebook, as far as I can tell. I began to "confirm" "friend requests." I began to read the statuses of my "friends" and wonder, "why did you post that?" "Who could possibly care, (except your mother)?" Then I started to notice all of the witty, empathetic responses to my friends' status updates and started to feel some "peer pressure" to post my own witty, empathetic responses.
The real turning point came when I started to post my own photos of family vacations, hints of my children's accomplishments, clever commentary on current events made by other internet people. And, because I am not too photogenic, and for most of this time was physically mutilated and bald, I used pictures of rare animals or family pets for my profile. (This was surprisingly not confusing to my Facebook friends. Made me worry a little more about my looks, although there's no denying that I did look a little like an Iguana when my hair first started to grow back.)
And then I heard this story on NPR: http://onpoint.wbur.org/2012/08/20/braggarts. It is time to step back and self examine.
I feel the urge to share what I have learned about Facebook for those of you who have either not yet slipped down this rabbit hole, or are struggling to climb out. I am thinking that this exercise could be a valuable service to others in my demographic cohort. After all, the fastest growing group of new Facebook users are women over 50. Caveat: That information is a week old, so who knows what the current trends are. Caveat #2: These instructions are inspired by my own mother who does not use a computer, and so, therefore, may be more basic than some of you may require.
Terminlogy
- FB: Facebook
- PP: Profile picture
- Friend: Someone whose name is listed on your FB page when you "click" on the word “Friends”. Not to be confused with a person you might want to hang out with or call if you are lonely. May be used as either a noun (as just defined) or a verb meaning to add person's name to your friend list.
- Click: Tap lightly on left side of "mouse."
- Mouse: Small hemispheric contraption, usually found to the right of the computer. Only moves if you make it move so not very frightening if you come upon it suddenly.
- Unfriend: To remove a person's name from your friend list. This action may or may not be noticeable to said "friend" so I advise extreme caution when taking this action. Do so only when you intend to send a passive-agressive message of dislike.
- Spouse/Daughter/Son/Relative of Any Kind: See definition of “Friend” above.
- Status: Useless information about what a person is doing at that moment that makes you wonder why anyone, other than one’s mother, would care.
- Like: A "button" that you push if you want everyone on FB to know that you approve of a status or any other post on FB.
- Button: A place on the computer screen where you place your cursor and click.
- Post: What you do on FB. If you don’t do this, people think you are a “stalker.”
- Stalker: Someone who looks at FB but does not post.
- Wall: "Home" screen for each FB subscriber.
- Home: Virtual place where you spend all your time, focus all of your attention and waste away your life.
- Home 2: Physical building where your body receives actual sustenance and rest. Sometimes a place where other bodies are similarly maintained, in particular those with whom you share genetic material.
- Wall 2: Metaphoric term that describes the barrier between you and all your friends and family that results from spending too much time on FB and not enough time actually talking to them.
Rules
- Never ever comment on anything relevant to your teenage child.
- Do not try to make a funny comment.
- Do not "Like" a photo.
- Do not post a photo or even take a photo of your child.
- You might as well extend this rule to additional forms of communication including telephones, cell phones, and physical interaction. Whatever you say or do will cause great embarrassment, humiliation and anger. Stop trying.
- If an old friend that you haven't spoken to in 20 or 30 years "friends" you, "confirm" the request, but do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to act friendly. Assume that the friend merely wants to look at your wall to see how you have aged, (I like to imagine the reaction to my Iguana PP) but has no more interest in actually connecting with you than s/he had over the last 20-30 years.
- When the names of friends pop up on FB that tempt you to "friend" them. Don't give in. It will only create social pressure, angst and hurt.
Stay away
from FB. If you must participate "friend" only one person - your
mother.
Disclaimer
This piece is written from the perspective of a socially phobic, neurotic, hypocrite, who obviously does not believe much of what has been written here given what she has written here. (Stuff that only her mother would be interested in.) She begs not to be "unfriended" as a result of this blog post.
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